Most of my girlfriends are educated black women who earn over six figures. So, we spend a lot of time talking about their chances of finding an educated black man who is also financially secure. And, perhaps we're pessimists but we've basically concluded that their chances are very slim. But, should it even matter?
I read an article in Essence a few years ago stating that black women who earned six figures should consider men who earned less because money isn't everything. That may sound great in theory but in the expensive, materialistic world that we live in is this thinking practical? If for instance, a woman earned 200,000 a year and her husband earned 50,000, would the husband resent her? would the woman resent her husband because she felt like she was taking care of him? I'm confused.
What do you think?
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24 comments:
I guess I shouldn't answer since I'm part of the girlfriends pondering huh? LOL
LMBPAO-but you could answer the does money matter part of the question?
Would you marry someone who made signficantly less and think that it would not create issues?
This is a question I think educated, career oriented, and financially successful black women will continue to ask each other forever. What do you want more -- love or money? How can a relationship/marriage work when the woman makes more than double what her man makes? Does that emasculate the man? Does put the woman in the role of the head of the household? I think the roles can become very blurry and they can bring about all kinds of feelings of resentment and longing for someone else who has it all.
Do any of us have “it all”?
Does the man that only makes $50K to your $200K treat you like the queen you are? Does he make sure that you want for nothing emotionally, mentally and spiritually? Does he support you, does he respect you, does he love you unconditionally unlike any man has ever loved you? Is he smart, is he romantic, he is attentive and does he make it his business to be there for always?
But what if that man that has money for days treats you like shit but can put you on a private jet to any place you want to go? What if he cheats on you and never spends any time with you but you haven't seen a bill since you met him and you haven't worn anything from last season since he has been in your life? Is that the life we would prefer?
At the end of the day, money does matter, it just becomes a question of what matters more. But seeing as how the pool of eligible, successful, and financially competent black men isn’t that deep, I think we have to keep our standards set high while thinking about forty years from now when those Louboutin’s don’t even fit anymore because of your bunions and who is sitting next to you rubbing those bunions. Is anyone even there? Is it the bitch at the nail spot because the only person touching your feet is somebody you have to pay? It is definitely something to think about but I guess my answer is to keep yourself open to all people, all options, and all possibilities.
My husband is waiting... PRAYING for the day that I make more than him. He would be BEYOND happy to be a househusband. He can keep dreamin' cuz I'm staying home with Ms. Bee for as long as I can!
if you want a man that makes more than you
create him
one of the guys who won the job on the apprentice said that he would have never won if his wife didn't persist in making him fill out the application
all men want to do their best but they just aren't motivated sometimes
i'm talking about this in my new audiobook
you should defninately check it out
it only matters if you let it. I think its just that simple
As a man, it wouldn't matter to me. For most of my marriage, I've made more than my wife. Now, she makes more than me. It's no problem b/c we still gotta pay the same bills. LOL
I think if a sista made 200k she should be mindful that she is in a certain financial tier than most of the country doesn't make. That number dwindles considerably when you bring bruthas into the equation. I'm not saying that you WON'T find a brutha in your tax bracket, it's not likely.
At the end of the day, a man wants your love, support, trust, respect, cooking, sex, and friendship (maybe not in that order but you see what i mean). If you can do that for him and he can do that for you, then money shouldn't matter.
I think any man who has a woman who makes six figures compared to his smaller salary, would be a fool to hate on that woman. Sadly, most men are fools.
I wouldn't hate though. For nothing in the world.
It' not an easy question to answer, but it depends on the person. There's a lot more to a person than their income but if it's important to you then you should find someone who suit you.
I could be with a man that makes less than me... its just that men who dont make a lot of money we subconsciously dont allow for them to mess up... If a man making 6 figures lies about something or does something we dont like we may forgive him, but if they less fortunate man does, we dont and figure we can do bad by ourself. I think as long as the man isnt complacent in where he is financially, and is business savvy and trying to do things inline to make his money grow in the long wrong then its ok if when we get together he isnt making as much as me
Wow, this is amazing, I just had this conversation last weekend and I just saw the whole State of the Black Woman Tyra Banks show.
Anyway, I think a lot of men are intimidated by a woman who makes more, has what is considered to be a better job and is more intelligent.
There are still a lot of men living in the dark ages who want their women to be home barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. The problem with that is women want more than that because we CAN have it.
I look at women like my late grandmother who raised 10 kids, some of her grandkids, worked full-time and still managed to come home and have dinner done by 6.
Everything she did was for her husband or some child. That's the decision she made, or one that was pushed on her at 16 when she got married in the 1940s, but I looked at her one night and promised myself that I would not HAVE to do what she did.
Honestly, I think a lot of what she did and a lot of what she put up with from my grandfather before he got sick was because of the money he brought into the house.
Now, I don't have to put up with bullshit because I can make my own money and take care of myself.
The drawback to that is a lot of men are intimidated or don't want to bother because they assume that I will emasculate them because they can't "be the man."
I don't make six figures, far from it actually, but I make enough to take care of me and that's all that matters.
I feel like if you can take care of you and I can take care of me, then we can take care of each other.
Isn't that the whole point of relationshits' anyway?
(Sorry so long.)
Since this was GW's post, I'll leave it to her to respond to comments. But I'll say, I think everyone made some really great observations.
Money does matter. It shouldn't but it does. I'm not saying you can't date a man that makes less than you, frankly, that would be limiting yourself unnecessarily. But when there is a dramatic difference in salary there is a difference in means and ability to do different things. When it comes to buying the house, going on vacation, paying the bills, and there's like a 150,00 or 200,000 salary gap--money matters.
And I don't think you can create a man who makes more than you. I mean, a man has to have ambition on his own. He's got to have his own drive and his own desire to move ahead in life and he's got to want to do it for himself, not just to satisfy me.
Smarty I like your last point though.
the problem is that you think it's a problem
it's your own insecurities
if a man is trying his best and makes you feel happy why should it matter
don't let the media tell you how you should live your life
if you had me believe me you wouldn't be worried at all how much i made lol
My own insecurities? The media? That is actually quite laughable. James, I know your paternalistic ideas about women and independence, so I'm not even going there with you. That is not how I'm starting out my day.
The last thing I will say, is to dismiss this very real issue as just a figment of my imagination or some problem generated in my own head in response to media hype, is to completely miss the point and is a bit patronizing. Financial issues have ruined many a marriage/relationship. And when you have a large disparity in salary, it does raise issues, with the fragile male ego and as a practical matter.
I have to respectfully disagree with James. Why is it a woman's insecurities creating a problem with such a disparity in salaries?
What is a woman earning 200,000 a year who is in her early thirties indsecure about--in terms of financially?
While there are many men who may not have a problem with a 150,000 differential (I guess) there clearly are many men who feel insecure when they know that they cannot afford a trip to Hawaii and the 4,000 mortgage. And why should I deprive myself of the "good life" just because he can't afford it. That doesn't seem fair.
Yes, I think that material things aren't everything HOWEVER, kisses and hugs (or anything else he's dishing out) can't pay the bills, private school tuition for my children or help fund college and retirement plans.
I don't think it's my job to "create" a man who is ambitious and hardworking. He's my mate, not my child. I'm so sick of men wanting us to remedy what their mamas couldn't or wouldn't accomplish.
if you are truly independent you'll go out there and get what you want out of life as apposed to waiting for it to come to you
period
@grown women... maybe you try women and leave us alone lol
LMBSDAO--I'll give you a couple of guesses on what the "SD" stands for. So, because I don't want to be some man's mama I should turn to women. That makes a lot of sense!! So, basically black women should either settle for BS or become lesbians. That's encouraging.
How about black men get their crap together so that black women will have more options? Perhaps, black women should give up on the "cosby Show" fantasy and broaden ther horizons and date men of all races.
so, we'll take your advice and leave "us" alone.
LMBAO!
@grown women... i really am sorry for the last comment that i gave
it was very disrespectful and i should not have made such a comment
sidebar: the comment i made about the guy from the apprentice was about a WHITE GUY not a black guy
you are a lawyer so i know that you know how to debate
so if you are really up to the challenge answer this question
Why do you think there are so many black men out here who make lower wages than black women?
@GW... nevermind
don't answer
when a person insults another person they often try to seek their approval because their ego has been damaged and they need outside validation
i felt insulted by your comment so i wanted to prove you wrong so that i could gain that validation myself
but anybody who has that kind of disrespect for black men is not even worth my time
even though i think that you could be a real grown woman one day i really do feel sorry for all of the unfortunate men who's foolish enough to love a woman like you
i think you need some mental help about your father issues
I vowed not to respond to your comments any further because I think they're ignorant and unnecessary personal attacks--which is further evidenced by your last post.
I actually think you're crazy, so why don't you do us all a favor, and not visit, post or comment on CITC in the future? Your arrogant, ignorant, woman-hating comments are unwanted and frankly out of step with the rest of the bloggers we have experienced here. Clearly, you have some serious issues with women and insecurities that none of us have the time, interest, medical degrees or prescription writing ability to address.
thanks for having my back TD (as always). James, I'm mad at myself for wasting my time on an insecure man like you. In your initial post today, you rightfully apologzed. But, I suppose once you checked your finances, you grew angry which led to your last post I so look forward to never seeing you on CITC! Oh, and let me clarify my earlier position, black successful women should not stop dating all black men, just those like you! JOKER!
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